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Dear Car,

Journal Entry: Thu May 2, 2013, 9:28 PM
(I posted this on facebook, but I thought I would share with you fine people as well just so you know I am not dead and am still busy living.)

Dear Nissan Maxima,

You are the first vehicle I have ever hated. You smell weird no matter how much I clean you, have some of the most inexplicable holes I have ever seen in very random places of the floor, and you make a great many noises that make me wonder if you have car cancer. The serious kind, not like a questionable mole, but the for real this-shit-is-fucking-terminal Cancer.

As much as I like shiny blinking things, your constant engine light flashing is giving me brain damage and Eye AIDS. I have taken you in to get fixed... WHY DOES THAT ONLY MAKE IT WORSE?!

Also, despite the fact that you are a hideously glaring white blemish on the road, other cars will still pull out of their parking spaces and run right into you while you're ambling at a mighty loud 20 mph down the road. I have a hard time being mad at these people when this happens because in reality, they were probably just reacting the way any vigilante would if they saw/heard a giant albino spider with emphysema skittering down the road and only a ton of metal propelled into its face, like the great Shoe of Justice, would defeat the beast. They were only doing you a favor, car. Someone had to. No one likes spiders and no one likes you.

Lastly, as much as I adore buying tires, I am finally getting tired of spending all of my days off living with constant fear that my one leisure activity for the week will be spent at Goodyear.

K. Bye.


  • Listening to: Mumford and Sons- White Blank Page
  • Reading: IQ 84- Haruki Murakami
  • Watching: Metalocalypse
  • Playing: Battle Nations
  • Drinking: Smuttynose IPA


Words Rioting


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Lilyas Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2017  Professional General Artist
VSConcepts Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2017  Professional Interface Designer
Happy Birthday!! XD :cake: :dance: :party: :dalove: :boogie: :headbang:
Destroyer77 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2017
Happy Birthday!

RBL-M1A2Tanker Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2017
History records that, just days from now, a tremendous upheaval took place as the ground cracked and broke apart, tornadoes spun counter to their nature, and even Godzilla bowed as you appeared upon the Earth to grace us with your art. And so it is wished upon you to have a Happy Birthday on that day....and a most excellent cake. :D (Big Grin)  Have your cake and eat it too
Destroyer77 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2016
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