Journal Entry: Thu May 2, 2013, 9:28 PM
(I posted this on facebook, but I thought I would share with you fine people as well just so you know I am not dead and am still busy living.)
Dear Nissan Maxima,
You are the first vehicle I have ever hated. You smell weird no matter how much I clean you, have some of the most inexplicable holes I have ever seen in very random places of the floor, and you make a great many noises that make me wonder if you have car cancer. The serious kind, not like a questionable mole, but the for real this-shit-is-fucking-terminal Cancer.
As much as I like shiny blinking things, your constant engine light flashing is giving me brain damage and Eye AIDS. I have taken you in to get fixed... WHY DOES THAT ONLY MAKE IT WORSE?!
Also, despite the fact that you are a hideously glaring white blemish on the road, other cars will still pull out of their parking spaces and run right into you while you're ambling at a mighty loud 20 mph down the road. I have a hard time being mad at these people when this happens because in reality, they were probably just reacting the way any vigilante would if they saw/heard a giant albino spider with emphysema skittering down the road and only a ton of metal propelled into its face, like the great Shoe of Justice, would defeat the beast. They were only doing you a favor, car. Someone had to. No one likes spiders and no one likes you.
Lastly, as much as I adore buying tires, I am finally getting tired of spending all of my days off living with constant fear that my one leisure activity for the week will be spent at Goodyear.
Listening to: Mumford and Sons- White Blank Page
Reading: IQ 84- Haruki Murakami
Playing: Battle Nations
Drinking: Smuttynose IPA